Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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