the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
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I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
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I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
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