Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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