i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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