if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
