So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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