I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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