i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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