She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize