The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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