I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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