Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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