sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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