When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
