i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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