I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
