We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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