There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I have fence marks all over my body
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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