i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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