I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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