You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
