I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
