The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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