What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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