i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
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