Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
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My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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