The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
She needs sedatives and a leash
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
