My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
this boner is exhausting
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
