I accidentally burped into my bong.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
