So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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