Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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