While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
