I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
