i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
