my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
