Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
