Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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