I got chris browned last night
well you can't waste a boner
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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