i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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