am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
