my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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