you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
