My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
