Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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