Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
