I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
