I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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