How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
