Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
