I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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