I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
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i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
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Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize