I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
