I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
