If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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